Like a GOOD girl, I have been silent. I have had nothing pleasant or engaging to say, and so I have said nothing. Swallowed it all down.
Swallowed away the anger; the fear; the dark things we shouldn't bore others with let alone reveal about ourselves.
I have been pacing about the house; a short-tempered yo-yo. Truth is, there is a lot about which I am not happy.
I read the blogs of so many wonderful women living lives I covet, and I have been inspired by them. But I am so very far away from those lives. However much they may have put a spring in my step; my world is small and closing in.
The world has moved on. There was Japan. Then Libya and the Ivory Coast, and twisters in the US. But I can't move on. I have nothing specific to complain about. I'm not grieving a death. Our home is standing. But there is loss - all around, tremendous loss.
And the reality is, we have years of such hideousness before us. Everything that made this such a great place to live has gone, or is denied us. Christchurch is one big suburb, with its ruptured streets, patched pipes and sewers, and precarious power supply; and no heart.
I lurch from hopelessness to illuminating the many, significant opportunities that a razed city presents. I know it's manic.
And I'm aware I shouldn't bore people on my blog with my lamentations. Who, really, wants to know? I don't want to know.
But I need to. I need to say what needs to be said. It might get a little dark, a little strident. I will have to throw off the shackles of my marketing mind that is screaming "blog suicide", and just get on with it.
I would like to say a special thank you to one of my followers, Tattieweasel. Tattie happened to read and comment on my March 19 blog. It wasn't a post of note. But it was the departure point for my dive into melancholy. Somehow, the fact that Tattie commented was enough to pull me out of my self-imposed, turbulent silence.
There's a newly released NZ song by Jon Toogood's collaboration The Adults that captures my mood perfectly with its slightly ominous, repressed tension. It's got a punk vibe with the two-chord thing, but Ladi6 is no punk - she's pure Pacific hip-hop funskster - rockin' it here with Shihad frontman Jon, and the distinctive Shane Carter.
It's definitely not everyone's cup of tea.